A REGRET I can never forget!

A REGRET I can never forget!  

As I always say, certain incidents in life you can never forget. Have you ever wondered why some memories can haunt you and make you feel guilty! Especially when you have every right to feel guilty about it.

It was the time we had our city’s exhibition during the months of January and February every year. During that time, my Aunt came with my cousin to our place. We all decided to go to the exhibition one evening. My cousin was almost 5 years older than me. I remember him as a very nice and gentle-minded person.

While we all were roaming through the stores, we were looking through all the stalls, and the way they were decorated, while some of us bought stuff. I don’t recall what it was I wanted, but I wanted something from the store and I was told ‘no’. I was not even 10 yet! Well, almost ten years. So I was upset and angry. Did not want to talk to anyone and made it too obvious by making my frowny face even more frowny and walking away from everyone! 

Is “frowny” even a word? Hmmm….okay, let me Google it. YES! it is. You know, an expression where your face gets wrinkled and eyebrows get crooked and your eyes show anger! 

Okay back to my story…So, my cousin noticed I was upset. He was carrying some bags with stuff. He kept asking me, “do you want to carry this?”.  And he kept walking beside me for a while until I yelled at him, by saying “NO….I DON’T WANT TO CARRY IT. GO AWAY” with the same frowny face. Then he slowed down.

We all were there for a long time going to other stores and buying some snacks to eat and finally, we came home. 

The next day, my cousin needed to be taken to an emergency due to his existing health issue. In the hospital, he passed away. 

The second I heard the news, my emotions became too much to handle. I was in a shock. I went up on the stairs and sat there with sadness for a while. I started to recollect what he said and how I responded. He was being extremely nice to talk to me so that I can forget about being angry. But I, being a moron and a stubborn child, insisted to remain angry.  On top of it, I yelled at him and said: “go away”.  How can I repent, for what I said to him? Now he is not there. He went away.

I understand I was only 10 years old. I understand I did not mean anything against him. I also understand my anger has nothing to do with him. As I grew up, I slowly tried to store it away deep in my brain. Even though it was not because of what I said, the fact I said the day before he left this earth, remains as an “unbelievable sadness” in my heart.  Murali Bava,  I hope you have forgiven me for my behavior. I know you did. I know because you were that type of a person. So Gentle and Kind.

I can't wait for the day, I finally see you walking with a bag and with that gentle smile, and then I will tell you I did not mean it towards you. Oh but then again, you already know that.